Sex don't cost a thang now that you can buy trojans with meal points.
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
Randomize
