im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
Randomize
