I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
