Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
Eww. Jon Gosselin got both his ears pierced.
He looks like a bad one night stand.
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I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
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God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
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