He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
i now understand why vodka
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Randomize
