really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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