It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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