The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
You dont understand. she was my french AND spanish teacher. that's 2 kinds of freaky. i have to find her on facebook.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
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