Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
lets put it this way..we'd win on tool academy
New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
Randomize
