i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Randomize
