Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Keep it up. It gets easier when you turn 21. Something happens in people's brains when they turn 21 and all of a sudden you have the power to drink constantly and abuse drugs and still graduate with good grades and your shit together. Im almost positive I read it in my freshman year bio textbook
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
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