Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
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