when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
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