i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Randomize
