I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
it's not the walk of shame if you do it in cowboy boots.
You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
Someone else needs to become the bad example in our group
But you wear shame so well
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
