god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
My T9 Word has dryhumped saved but I can't even get it to figure out bbq.
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
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