he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
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