Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.