mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize
