Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
Randomize
