After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
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