Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
Randomize
