i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
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