it's taking a lot of effort to be mature and not reply to her with like a video of bestiality porn
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
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