You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
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