based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
If you were curious as to how many pounds of bagged marijuana can fit in the trunk of a 2010 Chevrolet Aveo, we now have the answer
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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