Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
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