At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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