no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
Randomize
