you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
Randomize
