Who keeps a bong in their car??
Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
I cannot convey how much I really do love Chris Hansen. FYI: he is the JC Chasez of my adult years.
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
