I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
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