apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
We were destined to go to rehab together
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
Randomize
