I'm kindof freaked out about my cock not getting up this morning. Cove over later so I can sort this out. Do not post this on texts from last night.
Damn that would have been a great one. Hahah and don't worry...
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
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