I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
