I feel like I'm in dance class right now
I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
Randomize
