Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
