dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
thank you for introducing me to everyone on chat roulette as I was passed out.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
