Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize
