Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
Randomize
