Well I thought that next 8 ball would either kill us or turn us into Gods
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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