I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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