Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
I've blown a few things in my day
You wouldn't stop crying and screaming Hilary Duff doesn't deserve Gossip Girl
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Randomize
