You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
We're pretty sure the 'pocket' aspect of the hot pocket is unnecessary. Testing our theory now.
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
