It's a miracle Ok Typing texts toYou right now
I looooooove Saturdays!!!!!!!
I am absolutely hammered
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Opportunity cost of getting to econ after a night on the town > marginal benefit of attending class
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
Randomize
