He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
Randomize