My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
