WHY DIDN'T ANYON E TELL ME SHE WAS SIXTEEN
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
Randomize
