i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
planned ethnic drinking holidays while bored at work thru next may. I don't suppose you have any scots or russian in you?
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
Randomize
