i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
spent the night holding naked strippers up for keg stands and doing endless amounts of body shots. good game 8am final exam.
whats an extra semester when you've already been in college for 6 years?
Randomize
