Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Randomize
