I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
whoever decided snowing in 90 percent of campus on a night when the streets are flowing with tequila and skittles was clearly not an R.A.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
Randomize
