I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here
you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
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