My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
she pinky promised me she was 18
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Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
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You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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