i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
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