just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
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