my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
Randomize
