I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
Randomize
